More Coltrane for Caskett
by Mr.Mellow
Summary: As Beckett said that she loves Coltrane, here are a series of one shots that parallel music from the Coltrane album "Ballads". This is also a continuation of my previous series "Coltrane from Rick to Kate". You don't have to read it to follow these short stories.
1. Say It (Over and Over Again)

A/N: As Kate said that she feels magic "when she hears Coltrane", and this album, "John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman", being one of the few Coltrane albums that have vocals, this series of one-shots came to mind. I can almost hear Rick singing these to Kate, if he had as good a voice as Johnny Hartman.

The vignettes are either from Castle canon or not very distant excursions from canon. I hope you agree.

This one is based on the Guy Wood and Robert Mellin song, "My One and Only Love". This is the last song on side 1 of the vinyl album. You can hear the version on You Tube.

watch?v=A_tASy0Itrg

It's just a feeling I have that Kate is Rick's "One and Only Love". He was serious about Kyra but wasn't ready for love. The only reason he married Meredith was she was pregnant with Alexis. Similarly, his marriage to Gina was for Alexis and more of a business relationship than love.

Disclaimer: The characters and song are the property of their respective owners.

* * *

Rick loved giving Kate gifts. He knew that showering her with expensive gifts would only embarrass Kate. Also, overly expensive gifts make the focus on the giver not the recipient. So he did little things, bringing her a latte every day, getting the signed cast photo from "Temptation Lane" for example.

This time, he handed her an oddly shaped package.

"While you were in DC, I was in the Village wandering around, still in the afterglow of you saying "yes"," Rick explained.

Kate smiled thinking about their celebration in the loft after that.

Rick continued, "I was walking down Bleeker St…."

"And you went into the used record store," Kate finished his sentence with that "Vulcan mind meld" thing they seem to have.

Rick nodded. "I saw this and I thought of you," Rick said. "I thought you may like to add it to your collection. Maybe we could use it in the wedding," he added.

"I hope you don't mind, because it is a used record, I checked it out first. Before giving it to you. I wanted to make sure it is relatively free of clicks and pops. No scratches. You never know if a used record is unlistenable until you listen to it."

As she unwrapped the gift, she saw a very dark picture. There was a black man on either edge with the goose neck of a sax on the forehead of the one on the left. The one on the right was in profile and appeared to be resting his head in one hand. In the center at the top was the record company logo.

Kate caressed the aqua lettering below the logo, "John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman".

Kate turned over the album cover to read personnel and the liner notes.

"John Coltrane, tenor sax;

McCoy Tyner, piano;

Jimmy Garrison, bass;

Elvin Jones, drums"

"Rick, thank you. This is lovely," Kate said.

This simple gift of a used record spoke volumes to Kate. Because he thought of her, because he didn't try to impress her with a gaudy expensive gift, and because he bought her something personal. It was just another example of how much Rick loved Kate.

"The great Rudy Van Gelder was the recording engineer on this," Rick responded. "It seems like he was the engineer on all the great jazz albums of the 50's and 60's. It was recorded back when there was nothing but vinyl. I seems almost sacrilegious to listen to it on anything else."

Kate looked at him and smiled. Only Rick would know the minute details of an old jazz recording. All that trivia made him a better writer and was one of the many things she loved about him.

He chuckled as he added, "Plus, you don't have to be a teenager to read the small print liner notes on the CD insert."

As Rick extended his hand, he added, "Kate, let me put it on for you."

* * *

_The very thought of you makes my heart sing  
Like an April breeze  
On the wings of spring  
And you appear in all your splendor  
My one and only love  
_

* * *

Captain Gates had given Kate a couple of days off to recharge from standing on the bomb in her most recent case. Rick took this opportunity to take Kate to the house in the Hamptons for both of them to mentally reenergize and recuperate.

They both experienced relief not only from surviving the bomb but from not having to hide their relationship anymore. Gates statement at the end of the ordeal happily ringed in Kate's ears. "For heaven's sake detective, just kiss the man!" It breathed life anew into them both. Like a great weight had been lifted from them.

Kate mentally pinched herself. Rick showed her that, to use a poker term, he was "all in" by being her "bomb buddy" to the very end. She still had a hard time fathoming his actions. That he would sacrifice everything for her.

They quickly packed and drove out to the Hamptons house arriving in the evening. They barely could unpack before collapsing in bed due to exhaustion.

Spring had started to show up around the house. The little green shoots of new growth. Buds starting to form. The robins returning. All signs that Mother Nature was waking from her winter's nap.

Their bodies were used to getting up early when they were in the city, their first day at the Hamptons house was no different. They dressed slowly, peacefully as if they didn't want to rush the day along, didn't want to disturb Mother Nature as she woke.

In the kitchen they prepared a light breakfast and coffee wordlessly. Their mind connection made words superfluous. Gently touching each other when their breakfast preparations were completed.

After finishing their small repast, Rick and Kate went out the back door, passed the pool and walked down the path to the beach. Kate and Rick loved walking up and down the beach hand-in-hand. They only let go of each other when one of them saw an interesting shell that had washed up on the shore.

After a while, they returned to the house to wash off the sand and salt from their finds. There were several sea shells of different colors and sizes, a piece of a sponge and some driftwood. Kate looked down at the treasure below her, rinsing the beach collection in the water from the hose.

Rick also looked at the treasure in front of him, but his precious gem was holding the hose. Even though she thought it silly at that Derrick Storm reading long ago, it was true, the wind was gathering up her hair. The way the sunlight hit Kate's flowing mane, it almost sparkled and glowed like an aura around her stunning face. And it made her look even more beautiful.

* * *

_The shadows fall and spread their mystic charms  
In the hush of night  
While you're in my arms  
I feel your lips so warm and tender  
My one and only love_

* * *

Kate and Rick were listening to the album on the stereo while sitting on the couch in the loft.

"Rick, I think I would like to add this to our playlist for the wedding. What do you think?" Kate asked.

"Oh… ok"

"We can have it after the father/daughter and mother/son dance. How does that sound?"

Rick replied, "We're dancing to this one, too?"

"Yes, definitely. Even though a male is singing this, I think of this as my song to you. And I love Coltrane's sax opening to the song," Kate added. "And you know about how Coltrane makes me feel."

"What about this song speaks to you?"

"Well, I … I don't know if I should tell you. Your head will get so big you won't be able to get it through the door," she teased.

"I promise not to let it get that big," he smirked. "Plus, if it does, you can have mother read some of the bad reviews of "Frozen Heat"."

"Rick, in all seriousness," Kate continued as she looked in his eyes and held his hand. "You … well, you do make my heart sing. You touching me is, uh…is like heaven." Kate blushed.

"And not just sexually. Although, that is very nice, too." Kate knew what he was thinking.

"Nice?" He teased as he smirked.

"Well, uh … Ok, it is more than nice. It is wonderful, earth shattering. Happy? But Rick, even … even in the mundane ways. Like… I can feel my tension go down every time you just touch my arm when we're at the precinct."

"You're not the only one, ya know. I feel it, too. Your lips are warm and tender." Rick added.

"We sound like love struck teenagers, don't we, Rick?"

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, it's actually kind of cute. I love it." Kate said as she leaned over to Rick and kissed him tenderly.

* * *

_The touch of your hand is like heaven  
A heaven that I've never known  
The blush on your cheek whenever I speak  
Tells me that you are my own  
_

* * *

Castle walked into the precinct with two coffees. He knew where he would find her, staring, lost in thought, right in front of her murder board.

The victim, Orlando Costas, had a rap sheet but then dropped off. He apparently was in the military for a while. There were signs there, signs that didn't fit, Castle's "odd sock." The victim stealing her late Captain's wedding album and laptop.

"Why would someone want to break into a dead police officer's home and steal a wedding album? It couldn't be a coincidence," she thought.

Kate smiled as Rick handed her the usual, grande skim latte, two pumps sugar-free vanilla. "Thank you."

"D'ja get any sleep?" Rick asked.

"Not much," Kate answered. She looked to the floor almost embarrassed. This case really bothered her. She felt it was related to her mother's case.

Each time they had a case, Kate and Rick would talk through the evidence and eventually they would have that "mind thing" happen that would solve the case. So Rick started, "Anything new on our victim?"

"We rechecked Orlando's rap sheet. Montgomery wasn't involved in any of his old arrests. That break-in wasn't personal," Kate replied.

Rick continued, "What about the call he made before he was killed?"

"It was from a burner phone, no registered owner."

Rick was concerned. He had told his mother earlier that he hoped this wasn't related to Kate's mother's case. He could feel the worry in Kate's posture. "She probable feels they were going to make a run at her again," he thought.

"Hey… You're not in this alone. I'm here."

"I know," she smiled as she reached out and held Castle's hand seeking his reassurance.

He turned to look at her hoping she would be comforted by him with this simple act of touch.

Kate gazed up at Rick's eyes and a small smile graced her face. She could feel his support radiating through his hand.

* * *

_You fill my eager heart with such desire  
Every kiss you give sets my soul on fire  
I give myself in sweet surrender  
My one and only love  
My one and only love_

* * *

Rick and Kate were in bed in the Ambassador Suite at the Plaza basking in the afterglow of the day. Rick had Kate engulfed in his arms. She looked up and kissed him on his cheek.

"I love you, Mrs. Castle," Rick said with a smile. "You know… there was a time when I thought that I was never going to be able to say that to you."

"We have never had an easy path have we?" Kate replied. "But that makes it worth more, doesn't it? We beat the odds."

"Yes, we did. And I am glad of it," Rick answered.

"Me, too. This was a wonderful day. In fact, words could not express how great a day it has been for me," Kate added.

"I don't think even a ruggedly handsome writer could come up with words for today," Kate teased with a smile.

Not rising to her bait he replied, "I wouldn't even try."

"Well, actually there are two words that you just said that express how great a day it is," Kate whispered.

Rick sat up with a questioning look at Kate.

"What did you just call me?" She asked.

"Mrs. Castle?"

Kate nodded. "If someone said when we first met that I would be "Mrs. Castle" now I … I would have busted them on the spot on possession charges."

They both laughed at the absurdity of where they started and where they are now.

Kate continued, "It was a lovely day, Rick. The ceremony, the cake, the dancing, and especially the honeymoon kick-off activities here."

They laid back down on the bed, Kate's head on Rick's chest. Rick playing with her hair.

"There was only one cloud on the entire day," Kate mused.

"Hmm, what was that?" Rick asked.

Kate followed, "I saw you and my dad over in the corner talking at one point. You had your hand on his shoulder and were speaking something serious to him. Then you shook his hand and you both parted. My dad looked upset by what you said to him. What did you say?"

"Kate, it was a wonderful day, can we forget that I spoke to your dad?"

Kate grabbed his nose and squeezed. "Richard Castle! Do you want to have a fight on your wedding night? Answer me!"

"Apples, apples, apples … yow Kate, did you have to do that?"

"Yes. I want an answer."

"Promise you won't be mad or grab my nose again." Rick replied as he rubbed his nose to chase the pain away.

"I promise, if you tell me."

"Ok….well, you are an independent woman. But… but in some ways I am a traditional man. I felt bad about not formally asking Jim for your hand in marriage before I asked you. I really admired Ryan for doing that with Jenny's parents." Rick answered.

"Continue," Kate said, not knowing where Rick was going with this conversation.

"Well, I … I apologized for not asking him first… for his blessing. I…I felt somehow that was wrong of me. Jim accepted my apology. He formally gave me his blessing and he said he was glad to have me as a son-in-law."

"As he should be," Kate smiled.

"Then I said, uh,…to Jim…" Rick paused.

"Go on," Kate encouraged.

"Uh, I said to Jim "Thank you for entrusting me with your most precious gift, Kate. For the rest of her life I promise that I will keep her safe and happy to the best of my ability. I will strive to continue to be worthy of the boundless gift you gave me"."

Kate kissed him and smiled, "Castle, that was sweet. But, you are such a sap."

"But now, I'm your sap," Rick grinned back at her.

"Yes you are." Kate kissed him. "Now, I'm ready for round three. Are you?"


	2. Too Young to Go Steady

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the ballads.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is "To Young to Go Steady". You can hear the song as played by the Coltrane quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=vgOY_e64mbk

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

* * *

_Too young to go steady_

_Too young, I hear her say_

_She says we're not ready_

_But then why am I feeling this way?_

* * *

Beckett and Castle were relieved. Finally, they caught the killer at Castle's alma mater right during the prom. They were standing in the hallway near the exit that the uniformed officers had taken the conspirators.

A few of the students were milling in the halls. Principal Duncan and the chaperones were herding them back into the gym to prevent any trouble.

Kate chuckled. "They look like they're having fun," Kate said.

"Yeah," Castle responded looking at all the happy prom goers.

"Listen, I know you're a rebel and hate convention and blah, blah, blah. But, Kate, would you, uh, will you go to the dance with me?" Castle said as he held out his hand.

Kate smiled at him and took his hand.

They walked out onto the gym floor. It had been transformed from the stark and barren gym to the magical "Starry Knight" prom theme. The song "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle was playing. There were many couples in each other's embrace slow dancing to the haunting love song. Rick and Kate joined the other couples on the dance floor.

Kate's head rested on Rick's shoulder. She then thought of something and looked up at Rick. "Do you regret it? That prank, missing your prom, not being here with Audra Dobson?" She asked.

"Not even a little bit," Rick answered. "Everything I've ever done, every choice I've ever made, every terrible and wonderful thing that's ever happened to me, it's all lead me to right here, this moment with you."

Kate tenderly smiles at Rick, then returns her head to Rick's shoulder.

"I've always loved this song," Rick and Kate said simultaneously.

Kate picked up her head again and looked into Rick's eyes questioning.

"Could it be we just found a song?" Rick asked.

Kate smiled at Rick back saying "yes" with her eyes.

Then, over on the edge of the dance floor there appeared Jordan Gibbs in a black and white tuxedo dress.

"Castle," Kate said looking at the arrival.

Castle turned and saw Jordan searching the dance floor. She walked a few steps and then saw Lucas Troy, her hero, her knight in shining armor. Jordan walked up to Lucas as he turned to her. She lovingly wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her in a hug as if to thank him for what he had done for her and expressing hope for a deepening relationship.

"Talk about magnetism," Rick commented on the joy before him.

"Oh, that reminds me," Kate followed. "I had uni's sweep Lucas's house. Do ya know what they didn't find? Wires, magnets, anything that would explain that stuff we saw flying around."

Rick and Kate continued to watch Jordan and Lucas dancing.

Rick turned to Kate and asked, "You don't think?"

"No," Kate answered. "Now shut up and kiss me."

* * *

_Too young, so she tells me_

_She says we'll have to wait_

_Why wait till it may be too late?_

* * *

As they prepared for bed at the loft, Rick asked Kate, "Do you regret it, not going to your prom? Going to that poetry reading?"

Kate didn't pause, "No, not at all. Every kid has to go through their phases. Try on different personas, different ways of living. That is part of being young. And maybe just a little reckless."

"Yeah, knowing what I did as a kid, I worried about Alexis. Both ways, doing something reckless but also maybe not doing anything that she could remember fondly later in life. But now, with her living with Pi, I feel like she is breaking through into her reckless phase. And I can't be there to catch her when she falls."

"Castle, Alexis is a good kid. You've raised her well, although sometimes I wonder how," Kate teased.

"But being a parent means you have to let go sometimes. My parents had to let me go through my wild child phase, rebel Becks. And my dad said he worries every day since I got my badge. But he knew he had to let go. Let me leave the nest. Or whatever other cliché is appropriate, Mr. Writer," Kate smiled.

"I know Alexis is a good kid. But I still worry about her. About her choices. I guess I have been on high alert since that Paris experience." Rick said as he climbed into bed.

Kate got in her side of the bed.

Rick continued, "Hell, I had a bad feeling about her going to Costa Rica. In one sense I was right, she brought back Pi, and I haven't been feeling good about it since."

"She'll be fine, Castle. While I may agree with you about Pi, she needs to figure it out on her own."

"I guess you're right," Rick answered sadly.

"She's grown up and no longer your little girl that needs you for everything." Kate added.

"There is one person that needs you, maybe not for everything, but for a lot of things," Kate continued while she put her arm around Rick and kissed him.

"And some people never grow up," Rick chuckled. "But there isn't anyone here who fits that description, is there?"

"Oh, no," Kate responded rolling her eyes.

Rick turned off the bedside light then rolled over to Kate and gave her a kiss.

Rick said, "Good night, Kate. I love you."

"Night. I love you, too."

* * *

_Can she realize she drives me wild?_

_Is she made of stone?_

_Must she always act just like a child?_

_Won't she ever own up, we're grown up?_

* * *

After Kate was shot at Captain Montgomery's funeral, Rick quickly finished the next Nikki Heat book so he could spend as much time as possible investigating Kate's shooter. He spent most of his waking hours (and many he should have been sleeping) finding leads and chasing them down. He was a man obsessed. Rick had never worked this hard in his life.

He needed to do this because every time he took a breath, his mind went back to those fateful seconds. Those terrible seconds when he saw the glint of the gun sight and couldn't get to Kate before she was shot.

He followed Ryan and Esposito around to the various scenes that their investigation took. They explored the records room, did internet searches and kept on coming to dead ends.

Meanwhile, murderers didn't take a hiatus while Beckett was gone. Rick watched the boys as they worked some of the other cases but it wasn't the same, all of them missed Beckett's presence.

The interim captain didn't object to Castle following Ryan and Esposito around. The captain knew about the Nikki Heat books and the commissioner had instructed him to leave things as Montgomery had left them. Any changes would wait until the new captain was named.

The "Three Amigos", as they started calling themselves, had little time for the Old Haunt or much of anything else. Solving current cases while investigating Beckett's attempted slayer took all of the three's time. Ryan's wife, Jenny, worried about Kevin but understood the need to find Beckett's shooter before there was a chance of a deadly repeat.

Lanie understood, too. She wanted to do as much as she could for her best friend. She knew that Javi would do everything he can.

Castle was alone.

While they may have suspected Rick's intense feelings for Kate, Martha more so than Alexis, Martha and Alexis didn't totally understand his obsession with finding the shooter. Both worried that it could have been him shot rather than Beckett. "You shouldn't be playing cop," they told him. "You need to leave it to the professionals."

* * *

"22 days, 15 hours, 27 seconds since I last saw Kate," he thought early one morning. "I sound like Mr. Spock."

"I hope she is ok," he thought. "I wonder if Doctor Motorcycle Boy is tending to her. DMB better be treating her like the precious gift she is. No, he is probably healing Africa when he should be healing her."

The sound of her voice was fading in Rick's mind, her expressions, and even her eye rolling. Everything was fading from his mind except for two things, his love for her. How she made him feel. It burned within him, forced him to continue the investigation as if he had no will of his own.

Every time he stopped to think about it, he honestly couldn't' remember feeling like this before. Both the euphoria of being in love and the despondency at the unrequitedness of it. Mostly, he thought about it before going to sleep or just waking up.

He tried not to think about the other thing about Kate, the shooting. How she couldn't remember what he said. "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." Her blood all over her uniform, his hands. His tackle that was too late to prevent that bullet from grazing her heart.

* * *

_Someday she'll be sorry_

_Someday just wait and see_

_She'll wish she'd gone steady with me_

* * *

"Penny for your thoughts," Kate said as she smiled at Rick.

Rick had a faraway look in his eyes tinged with sadness. His mouth was turned down and his head was tilted up as if he saw something on the ceiling that was revolting.

Rick broke his sad reverie and answered, "For some reason, I was thinking about the summer of regret and healing and how we've both changed from back then. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I think of the ways I screwed up. Because of that, I … I try to be better about letting you know how I feel. And how I should help our communication."

"I think we're getting better, Rick. We've both changed," Kate agreed.

"And I also think about what we have right now, where we are. And even though we went through difficult times, it's made us both stronger. Maybe wiser, at least you're wiser. I am probably hopeless," Rick smiled.

Rick strode over to Kate and took her in his arms.

Rick continued, "And how our love is a good love … a strong love … a love that has lived through the trials. And, I'd like to think that we are now reaping our happy ending."

Rick leaned down and kissed Kate. They broke their kiss and touched their foreheads together.

Added Kate, "And they lived happily ever after."

* * *

A/N: This one was a different one to write to because Rick and Kate aren't "Too Young to Go Steady". :)


	3. You Don't Know What Love Is

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

Part of this entry is an extension of "A Deadly Game" and another part is extended from "Knockdown".

This song is "You Don't Know What Love Is". You can hear the song as played by the Coltrane quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=JrwSuy6ZBjI

There is an Ella Fitzgerald version with vocals on YouTube also.

watch?v=mhabqA4W4AA

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

* * *

_You don't know what love is_

_Until you've learned the meaning of the blues_

_Until you've loved a love you've had to lose_

_You don't know what love is_

* * *

"Lanie, you don't know how stupid I felt." Kate moaned. She dropped her head to her hands looking defeated.

"I just broke up with Demming. I was going to ask him if the invitation to go to the Hamptons with him was still open. Boy, did I get the message that it wasn't."

"Ok, sweetie. It will work out for you." Lanie answered.

The two friends sat in silence on the couch in Kate Beckett's apartment. A bottle of "Two Buck Chuck" between two wine glasses on the coffee table in front of Kate and Lanie.

* * *

Lanie had seen the encounter at the precinct through a glass door. She could see the devastation in Kate's eyes when Castle and the blond female walked away arm in arm.

Lanie looked at Captain Montgomery in silence and he responded with a nod. Lanie took that to mean for her to take care of her friend.

Lanie watched Kate go to her desk, pull the chair away and then sit in her chair landing so hard she thought Kate may go through the floor. Kate picked up paperwork on her desk but wasn't focused on the words on the page.

Lanie walked up to Kate and took her hand.

"Girlfriend," Lanie said. "Girlfriend, let's get out of here. There is a Trader Joe's nearby. Let's get some wine and cheese and go to your place, huh?"

"Lanie, I have all this paperwork to finish. I can't." Kate responded.

"Beckett," Captain Montgomery said. "You finished the main paperwork for booking the suspect. The ADA can wait for the rest of it tomorrow."

Kate paused, looking up at her captain.

"Get outta here! That's an order," Montgomery said with a serious face. Then his face softened with a smile and a twinkle in his eye.

"By the way, good work on the case."

"Thank you, sir," Kate responded.

Kate rose from her desk, grabbed her coat and walked to the elevator with Lanie.

* * *

Lanie continued to look at her friend in silence, thinking about what she should say next to help her best friend, to relieve Kate's pain.

Kate sat with her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lanie asked quietly. "If you don't ... I … I understand. But maybe … just maybe talking about it will help."

Kate didn't move for a moment. Between the feeling of despair and longing for the unattainable, she thought that her friend may be right.

"Ok, yeah … give me a minute. I … I probably look like hell right now. Let me go to the bathroom to wash my face," answered Kate.

Kate had kept it together the entire time in the precinct. Nothing came from her as they went to Trader Joe's. Silence reigned through their trek to Kate's apartment. Once she got to her new apartment, she let go. Crying, sobbing and then finally calmed down.

Kate looked at herself in the mirror. Tears dried on her face, a Kleenex balled up in her hand. Mascara running down her cheeks, her eyes swollen and red, her nose almost the same color as her eyes. "I make a lovely sight, don't I?" she thought.

Kate turned on the faucet and grabbed a facecloth. Wetting it in the cool stream, she cleaned off the mascara on her face. The cooling water made her redness diminish. She rinsed the washcloth and rubbed her face again.

As she walked out of her bedroom into the living area, she heard Lanie on her cell. "20 minutes? Ok. Thanks," Lanie said into her phone. "Chinese is coming soon. That ok?"

"Thanks, Lanie. Just what I need about now."

Kate moved back over to the space she left a few moments before.

She turned to Lanie, who had remained on the sofa the entire time. Kate said, "Both Espo and Montgomery said things to me that got me thinking."

Kate paused looking at Lanie. She then lowered her eyes.

"This case … we just finished? I was walking in the bullpen with Montgomery. We were discussing the case and Montgomery said "2 affairs, a loveless marriage. It's a shame that a man had to die because all the people involved were too scared to say what they really felt.""

Lanie nodded. "So you thought he wasn't talking about the case then? He may have been talking about you?"

Kate nodded in response.

Kate continued, "And Espo was even more direct. He said to me that Castle "has enough material for 50 books. Whatever the reason he's following me around, it doesn't include me being with another guy.""

"Javi can be rather direct. I guess his Special Forces training makes it so he doesn't mince words." Lanie responded.

"After thinking about what both of them said, I thought about Demming and Castle. And I thought I wanted Castle. So, I broke up with Tom." Kate continued.

"Both of them had asked me to spend the weekend with them. Tom at a place he had found, Castle at his house in the Hamptons."

Kate paused.

"I am such an idiot," Kate moaned. "Castle asked me first, even though I was dating Demming. I … I don't think he knew. Then Castle heard Tom ask me to a place he found. And I said to Castle "I didn't want it to get awkward between us." So, Castle must have thought there was no way I would come with him now that I was with Demming."

"So you think Castle moved on?" Lanie asked.

"That's what you probably saw. That was Gena. His publisher … and ex-wife," Kate added.

"Oh, my," Lanie responded with her hand covering her mouth.

"Castle had been hiding from her for the past couple of days because he hadn't finished the latest Nikki Heat novel. I even talked to her on the phone."

Kate paused again. A single tear ran down her cheek.

"They reconnected. So Castle asked her to come to the Hamptons. She's going for the summer to "keep on top of him" to finish the book."

"Yeah, I bet she keeps on top of him," Lanie added sarcastically.

"I'll probably never see him again, Lanie." Kate cried.

"Oh, sweetie." Lanie answered.

Lanie hugged her friend to comfort her while Kate sobbed quietly.

* * *

_You don't know how lips hurt_

_Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost_

_Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost_

_You don't know what love is_

* * *

Rick Castle sat in the ambulance with his hand still throbbing. Beating Lockwood with all he could had done some damage. He couldn't let Lockwood get off another shot at Kate. So he jumped on him and pounded him into the ground.

The EMT had wrapped his hand very tightly with the bandage causing him to wince in pain.

It almost made him forget that kiss.

Yeah, it was a distraction kiss. To make the guard think that they were lovers walking down the street. Not a cop and partner trying to save their friends. So no, it wasn't supposed to be a real kiss.

Just a fake.

A facsimile.

A ruse.

A con.

It sure didn't feel like that to him.

It felt real.

Passionate.

Intense.

Fiery.

But then his hand throbbed. The gauze was way too tight. He started to unwrap his hand.

Kate Beckett walked up to the ambulance and sat across from Castle.

"Hey there Chuck Norris," Kate opened.

Kate looked down at his bandaged right hand.

"How's the hand?"

"Uh, excruciating," he answered as she gently (lovingly?) rewrapped his hand. "How's Ryan and Esposito?"

"Hmm, mild hypothermia, wounded pride. Guess which one will heal first?" Kate responded sardonically.

Kate finished wrapping Castle's hand then gently rubbed her thumb on his hand. Almost like a caress it seemed to Rick.

Rick looked up and smiled at Kate.

"Thank you," Kate said.

Castle gave her a look as if to say "for what?"

Kate continued, "For having my back in there."

"Always." Rick answered.

* * *

_Do you know how a lost heart fears_

_The thought of reminiscing?_

_And how lips that taste of tears_

_Lose their taste for kissing_

* * *

It was a late night. The investigation on the scene took a long time. The adrenalin from the incident finally wearing off, Kate was at last at home, in her bed on her back, unable to sleep, staring at the shadows and lights from the street dancing on her ceiling.

Because she discharged her weapon and especially because she killed at least two suspects, she was placed on paid administrative leave pending the investigation.

It was a formality, but regulations were regulations. IA would be going over everyone's statements, including Castle's before rendering a judgment. It would take IA a couple of days at most to clear Kate. There would be a hearing also because of the deaths.  
"Karpowski will be pissed," Kate thought. "With Espo and Ryan out for a couple of days on medical and me out for IA, she'll be doing double duty at the precinct."

Kate was trying to think of anything but the kiss.

That kiss.

The stunt.

"Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that it didn't mean anything," she thought.

"Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot! Argh, Espo has infected me, thinking military phonetic alphabet," she considered.

She touched her lips with her fingers. Lingering there, she could almost still feel the warmth from Castle's lips.

She thought, "Kissing Josh never felt like that. Hell, it wasn't one kiss. Castle just grabbed me to prevent me shooting the guard. He pulled me in for a kiss to distract the guard."

She slammed the hand touching her lips down on the bed.

"Damn, he did more than distract the guard. What was I thinking? I pulled away, then I went in for seconds," she mused.

"And I didn't stop at the lips," she continued in her mind. "I went in with tongue, too."

She covered her face with her hands.

"I thought I heard a moan. Did I moan? Oh god, what does Castle think of me now?"

She pounded the bed again.

"Damn it Castle. Either that man is an idiot or he is very brave. I'm not sure what. Following me in there unarmed, without a vest and multiple armed and dangerous suspects in there. What was he thinking?"

Kate rolled on her side.

"But he had my back. I can count on him."

She fluffed her pillow and lay back down on her side.

"But why? Why can I count on him? He's not a cop. He has little training. Yet he will follow me. He may be willing to follow me into the gates of hell for all I know."

She looked over at her nightstand. There it was, "Heat Wave", with the binding edge pointing at her.

Her book.

The book he wrote about her and dedicated to her.

Castle wrote.

Castle dedicated.

He brought coffee.

His lips touching hers.

"That was one hell of a ruse, Castle. Damn you. That kiss has ruined me for now. But I'll get over it."

She reached over to touch "Heat Wave".

"Good thing Josh is on shift now. I don't know what to tell him about this. Or if I even can."

She rolled back on her back, looking up at the ceiling again.

"I can't get it out of my mind. Good thing I am out for a few of days. I don't think I can look at Castle anytime soon. Maybe I can ignore it and Castle won't ask me about it."

* * *

_You don't know how hearts yearn_

_For love that cannot live yet never dies_

_Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes_

_You don't know what love is_

_You don't know how hearts yearn_

_For love that cannot live yet never dies_

_Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes_

_You don't know what love is_

_What love is_

* * *

Kate Beckett wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep.

Rick couldn't sleep either. He took a PM type pain medication but it didn't help. He was still on a "high" from the evening's events.

Yeah, his hand was throbbing from the beating he gave Lockwood, but that wasn't what was keeping him awake. The pain medication was working.

Since his hand was bandaged, he couldn't write anything on the laptop. So he lay in bed looking at his ceiling wondering about Kate.

Thinking about the kiss. They kissed. And it wasn't a fake kiss even though they did it as a deception.

"Hell, I am only deceiving myself if I think I didn't feel anything from that kiss," he thought. "That was not a "lowercase" kiss. No. That was an all caps kiss. K! I! S! S!"

"Did she feel fireworks? She had to feel something, didn't she?"

He thought back to earlier this evening.

"She moaned didn't she? And she came in a second time. She didn't pull away. And she used tongue. That was no normal kiss," Rick mused.

"But I can't ask her about it. She's with Josh for God sakes. I'll wait for her to mention it. Maybe when she's ready, we can talk about it."

* * *

A/N: I hope you found this reasonably close to Castle canon.


	4. All or Nothing at All

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is "All or Nothing at All". You can hear the song as played by the Coltrane quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=thCsu5ZvPlo

There is a Diana Krall version with vocals on YouTube also.

watch?v=GHyT8m6mSuI

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

* * *

_All or nothin' at all_

_Half a love never appealed to me_

_If your heart, never could yield to me_

_Then I'd rather have nothin' at all_

* * *

"What a jackass," thought Detective Kate Beckett. "Richard Castle was such an arrogant … uuargg! I cannot believe how he acted in the interrogation room. "I'd be happy to let you spank me." Yeah, right. I'll do more than that, I'll … Whoa, Kate, let's not get ahead of yourself, you have two murders to solve."

She stood next to her desk looking at her murder board with the two crime scene photos posted. Two murders straight from Richard Castle's novels.

"Calling me a fan," she thought. "What does he think he is, God's gift to mysteries? Or women? Or both?"

She continued to stare at the pictures, the flowers covering Allison Tisdale's body, the pentagram with Marvin Fisk's body in the middle.

"Why would a murderer use that playboy's novels as a crime scene? That playboy with bimbettes and celebutants on each arm? What about Richard Castle does the murderer connect with?"

She sat on the edge of her desk, continuing to glower at the murder board. There was little to connect the two murders except for Rick Castle.

"Maybe tomorrow, when that egotistical 'novelist' sends his fan mail over, we will find something," she thought. "Maybe I should reread "Flowers for Your Grave" again to see if there was anything I missed."

She looked at the time, after midnight, and decided it was time to get a little sleep before returning to the murders in the morning.

"Perhaps there is something in his other novels that may shed light on these two. Good thing that he won't be around, though. That arrogance will not work in the precinct. That playboy will never fit in here. He's so shallow, he would dry up in a minute in the sun," Kate mused.

"I'm going home," Kate said looking up to the now empty bullpen. She thought there was someone still there, but she was the only one left.

* * *

Rick Castle was sound asleep. He had a long night. After his final Derrick Storm book launch party and then being dragged down to NYPD's twelfth precinct, Rick had an eventful night. Then coming home to his mother entertaining a male guest, it was just a bit much.

So Rick Castle slept. Until a sound came.

"What is that annoying sound?" Rick thought. "Oh, damn, that's that special ring tone I made for one person."

Rick groped around the nightstand for his cell. Finally, after seemingly being unable to control his hand and arm, he had the phone.

"Good morning, Gena. And what do I have the pleasure of receiving a call from you for?" Rick asked.

"First of all, Rick," Gina responded with a biting 'K' at the end of his given name. "It is afternoon. Second, and more importantly, you left the Derrick Storm launch party early in the custody of the police. Black Pawn has been trying to keep you out of jail, Richard, but if you keep up the extreme bad boy, it may force a reevaluation of your contract."

"Gina, you'll be happy to know I wasn't being arrested. Actually, I have a copycat killer. Someone has been murdering people the same as a couple of my novels. The NYPD wanted to talk with me about that," Rick smugly responded.

"Richard Castle! Don't lie to me! The NYPD asking you for help? Yeah, right." Gina sarcastically retorted. "Richard, even in your most outlandish story, you spinning a tale for a book, no one would believe that you would be even close to a murder investigation."

"Gina, believe what you want," rejoined Rick. "This NYPD detective, Kate Beckett, questioned me about these murders. Oh, by the way, can you get my fan mail sent over to the 12th precinct? There may be a clue to the murderer in my mail."

"Alright Rick, I'll humor you," said Gina. "I'll get one of the interns to collect the mail and drive it over. Detective Beckett you say?"

"That's right."

"Ok, they'll have it in a couple of hours."

"Oh, and Gina."

"Hmm."

"Please send over an advance copy of "Storm Fall." I need to sign it and give it to someone, a big fan."

"Are you going to sign her chest, too?" questioned Gina.

"No, I don't think so."

"Rick, you'll have the advance copy tomorrow."

"Thanks, Gina. You are a great publisher, no matter what they say about you," teased Rick.

Gina blubbered trying to find a way to retort to Rick. Failing to find anything she just responded, "Goodbye, Rick."

"Bye, Gina."

* * *

_All or nothin' at all_

_If it's love, there is no in-between_

_Why begin then cry for somethin' that might have been_

_No I'd rather have nothin' at all_

* * *

Detective Beckett's radioactivity detector went off while they were in the storage unit. Beckett and Castle left the unit quickly as Beckett radioed in the detector alarm to dispatch.

Quickly the HAZ MAT team went into overdrive. Because they were exposed, both Beckett and Castle were rushed into a HAZ MAT shelter to isolate them from the environment to prevent the possibility of contaminating anywhere else.

Rick went into is worst case scenario writer mode and came up with a nuclear bomb.

Beckett, for her part, wanted to discuss something else. They didn't know how long they would be stuck in the HAZ MAT shelter.

"How's Josh?" Rick asked trying to find something else to talk about not knowing he stepped into a sensitive subject.

"Fine," Kate responded with some lack of enthusiasm. Her lips tightened into almost a grimace.

She continued, "He's … um … he's on his way to Haiti to do another "Doctors Without Borders" mission."

"How long?"

She rolled her eyes and said very quietly, "I don't know."

Looking away from Castle, she sighed.

While she paused, Castle thought, "How can two people in a relationship not communicate what is happening, where they are going and for how long?"

Beckett resumed, "It's so funny, Castle, ya know, at first I loved that he was so busy. It's just … it gave me an opportunity to keep one foot out the door, just in case..."

Castle responded, "But with one foot out the door, it's hard to know where you stand."

"Then even if I did, what does it mean?" Kate asked. "He's out there. He's saving people. So how do you even compete with that?"

"You can't," Rick answered. "No, no one can."

"And that is one of the things that attracted me to him the most. That … passion, that … drive. Why is it that the one thing that … attracts you to a person ends up being that thing that drives you crazy?"

Kate continued, "I just wish that … I wish that I had someone who would be there for me and I could be there for him and we could just dive in together."

Before Castle could respond, the zippered hatch to the isolation tent opened. "You're free to go."

Castle thought, "I would love to be that guy, Kate. I'm right here. There won't be any doubt. There won't be any maybe with me. Just let me."

* * *

_Oh please don't bring your lips close to my cheek_

_Don't smile or I'll be lost beyond recall_

_The kiss in your eyes, and the touch of your hand makes me weak_

_And my heart may grow dizzy and fall_

* * *

Rick Castle sat in his office thinking about the events of the past several weeks.

He had almost froze to death with Kate in his arms. She tried to tell him something before she fell unconscious from the chill.

But they didn't talk about it.

He held her hand as they stood in front of the dirty bomb just before it went off. How they looked into each other's eyes just before he grabbed the wires and yanked them.

But they didn't talk about it.

They exchanged a kiss to fool a guard. This allowed them to save Ryan and Esposito.

But they didn't talk about it.

They went to L.A. to solve Royce's murder. They shared a hotel room with separate bedrooms. It felt like they were getting close to crossing that line between friends and lovers. But they didn't. She wasn't a cheater. He wasn't going to take advantage of her since he knew the pain a man feels when he was cuckolded by Meredith.

But they didn't talk about it.

No, it was all swept under the proverbial rug.

He remembered the kiss.

The cherry scent of her hair.

How strong she is, how driven.

Her fierce intelligence.

Her strength of character.

Her smile when he brings her coffee.

How she makes him feel.

But they didn't talk about it.

* * *

Kate Beckett lay in her bed staring at the ceiling thinking about the last several weeks.

She was alone in bed, Josh being on shift that evening. She was a little lonely but not lonely for Josh. She was thinking, but her thoughts weren't about Josh. She was lonely for another man. Her thoughts were about a certain ruggedly handsome mystery author.

Even though she was with Josh, she felt pangs of jealousy when Natalie Rhodes kissed Castle in the elevator as they left the precinct. She was quietly elated that Castle didn't sleep with her.

But she wouldn't talk about it with Castle.

She almost told him what she felt in that frozen shipping container. Almost told him that she wanted him.

But she couldn't talk with him about it.

She felt something when they held hands just before the dirty bomb was supposed to go off.

But she wouldn't let herself feel that again.

Trying to save Ryan and Esposito, they fooled the guard by acting like lovers. They exchanged a passionate kiss. Kate thought that if she was being honest with herself, that kiss was more than a ruse, a con. It was real for her.

But she couldn't admit that. She needed to remain safe behind the walls she built around her heart.

So she wouldn't talk to Castle about it.

Castle was a perfect gentleman when they went to L.A. to solve Royce's murder. He let her know that he was interested in going further. But he didn't press or take advantage. And she was tempted. After he made a fairly blatant pass at her and she thought a moment about what she wanted, she went back out into the sitting area between the two bedrooms but he was gone.

She wouldn't talk to him about their missed opportunity.

She would sweep it all away. Forget it. Act like it never happened. Then it would all go away.

But she knew she was just fooling herself.

Josh was safe, a safe choice. But he wasn't what her heart wanted. Castle said "the heart wants what the heart wants", nothing else matters. And deep down, in the depths of her psyche, hidden behind those walls, she wanted Castle.

But she wouldn't talk about it.

* * *

_And if I fell under the spell of your call_

_I would be caught in the undertow_

_And so you see, I've got to say "No, no"_

_All or nothin' at all_

_All or nothin' at all_

* * *

It was late at night. He couldn't sleep.

Rick tried to write but nothing came. The words would not emerge from his mind.

The argument with Beckett the day before made him think. He had spent the day pondering their relationship.

Kate had brought it up earlier just after the incident with Eric Vaughn, "where are we going?" she asked. And he tried to deflect it.

Communication isn't his strong suit. He may be a not too shabby writer and use words for a living but fails at communication with the woman he loves.

"Well Rick," he thought. "You are at a decision point. It is time to choose whether you are going "all in" or not."

"There is no way she isn't going to get the job in D.C. She is extraordinary. Anyone with half a brain can see that. But she kept the interview from me."

Conflicting thoughts ran through his mind. Then he thought about his discussion with his mother.

"But darling, this is who she is," Rick remembered his mother saying to him. "Is it possible the reason you have held back is because somewhere deep down inside you don't think this is going to really work?"

He pondered for a moment running his hands through his hair.

He opened a drawer of his desk.

There was a small jewelry box under a few papers and the picture of him and a little Alexis taken it seemed like ages ago. He had hidden it to keep all the women in the house from finding it very easily.

He was saving it for the right time, but the right time never seemed to come.

Rick had bought it months ago. In fact, he bought it the same time that Tyson did his number on them in the fall. Tyson somehow knew that Rick was going to buy it.

He pulled the box out and opened it.

Inside was an engagement ring.

This ring could have proved his innocence early on in the proceedings in the fall but he didn't think he needed it. So he kept it a secret.

"Yeah," he thought. "Like I am going to tell Gates that the money wasn't for the earrings for that murdered girl but for an engagement ring. Then I know what would happen next. "Who is this for?" She would ask. And I would have to tell her. Yeah, that would go over well. Kate learning I want to marry her through an interrogation with Gates. Great way to propose, Rick. That would be almost as bad as how I learned about her remembering her shooting."

"Well, it's decision time. Can you imagine your life without her? The answer is a definite NO! Then you know what you need to do."

* * *

A/N: I hope you think this is close to canon and Rick and Kate are not too out of character. Thanks for reading.


End file.
